Heroine vs. you

https://youtu.be/_iJm8EBgq7M?si=h2ygzz2S6wx6Sq7X

I'm writing this down to get it out of my system because if I don't, I might just burst out of anger. You know it's a stupid idea to get attached to a fling. You know it's a road with only one way down when you expect too much out of nothing. You know you're screwed when you start checking your phone every 5 seconds waiting for a notification. You know you shouldn't, you swore you won't do that to yourself. 

Now here you are, exactly at this point doing what you pledged not to. Where do we go from here? How do I undo this? I'd like to be my old self again! Random thoughts are running free all day bringing my old habit of self-loathing back. I had put so much effort into healing self-loathing but now I'm back to square 1. I hate myself for throwing all that effort away for a fling. See? typical self-loathing!

Honestly, what did I expect? Of course, I was going to get attached. This is the usual scenario of luring someone into addiction. You make the drug seem appealing and exciting; you show them how much they're missing out and then, BOOM, they're hooked. Once they try it and those chemicals start rushing through their veins, they won't be able to stop. I can't stop. Unfortunately, being addicted to a chemical is 10 times worse than being addicted to a feeling or to another human. Your hunger to the drug can always be fulfilled and satisfied as long as you have the money and the source and that's something an addict can always work out. On the contrary, your addiction to a person is much more complicated; it's not only you in this equation. They have a say in this. Your satisfaction depends on how much they're present in your day, their mood, how they're feeling about you in this moment, how much of their day they're willing to give you, if you fit in their day or even life, what's going on in their life and mind. It's not up to you only and to some extent, it's not up to you at all. 

Coming back from the heroine road is tough, I can only imagine. Coming back after pouring your heart out to someone is a raging hell, I wish I could only imagine. Picking up your torn pieces isn't something you would want to do twice. 

The worst part is always when you are not being on the same page, someone is driving 20 over the limit and the other is taking his time. I got there faster and harder while you were still figuring things out. I'm being pushed to the side while you're being worshiped. 

Maybe I'm the problem here, maybe I shouldn't feel that much that quickly-here comes the doubt and self-loathing AGAIN. Maybe I should take my time too, but I've grown impatient because I know that there isn't too much time left for me. I want things and I want them now before it's too late. I've already lost so much time dealing with things that weren't my fault, and they've drained me and sucked the life out of me. I was left alone bedridden for a very long time; my mind almost killed me once or twice. My problems weren't the biggest in the world, but they were the biggest for me. I don't want to regret not trying to get the things I want later on. It's less painful to regret doing something than never knowing what it could've been like. 

You don't need to feel sorry for me, I walked down that road with eyes wide open. I knew from the get-go all the possibilities, I knew that being left with so much to deal with was an option on the table. Yes, I wished that this wouldn't be the outcome, but I was aware that it could. 

I'm now battling my dependance on you only hoping that my receptors will be tamed soon and all that will be left is those flashbacks I will get occasionally on a random Wednesday when I hear someone from Alexandria pronouncing Wednesday the way you did.

adiós amigo.