Tasneem writes

https://youtu.be/lY3g3h0iP3A?si=9u5xj_M-GkrZa7za Long time no posts... This might seem a little bit not me but I'm in a very dark place and I'm not sure how I will get out or what will become of me this time.  heads up, I know that I'm the one to blame here, I shouldn't look outside for blame hangers.  It's me, I misplaced my trust. I can't blame them for betraying me when it was me who handed them the knife, when I was the one who gave them that power over me.  It's just that 7 years of effort and hard work to be okay have been wasted. I feel terrible again or even worse than when this shitstorm started. To be honest, I think I can't rise up from my ashes again, it's so exhausting and giving up on me feels easier this time. I can't help myself but think that a sharp-cut line drawn on my wrist can stop this whole mess and that I wouldn't have to feel what I feel now, I'll be sent into oblivion.  Consequences are not fair because the bad ...

https://youtu.be/_iJm8EBgq7M?si=h2ygzz2S6wx6Sq7X I'm writing this down to get it out of my system because if I don't, I might just burst out of anger. You know it's a stupid idea to get attached to a fling. You know it's a road with only one way down when you expect too much out of nothing. You know you're screwed when you start checking your phone every 5 seconds waiting for a notification. You know you shouldn't, you swore you won't do that to yourself.  Now here you are, exactly at this point doing what you pledged not to. Where do we go from here? How do I undo this? I'd like to be my old self again! Random thoughts are running free all day bringing my old habit of self-loathing back. I had put so much effort into healing self-loathing but now I'm back to square 1. I hate myself for throwing all that effort away for a fling. See? typical self-loathing! Honestly, what did I expect? Of course, I was going to get attached. This is the usual scenario...

https://youtu.be/UQByi9IHiZo?si=PZV8KcqAvy2eVvSh I had to force myself to sit down and write this, I've been avoiding giving my 2024 a descent wrap for 2 weeks. Long story short, 2024 was a trainwreck.  The very long version would state that this year was a setback for me. I had to revisit an old version of Tasneem, a version I thought I had buried a long time ago. It was catastrophic being put face to face with some old habits, my mind knew what was going on, I was fully aware, but I didn't know what to do.  I can't say it was all bad, I had beaten death like 3 times this year alone so I should be grateful that I'm here writing this now but honestly, I wish I took a different turn on so many occasions.  No amount of writing and venting will heal what was broken inside of me, keeping myself busy can't even approach giving me the illusion that nothing happened. My heart was and still is aching and crushing as I write, I can still feel and live every situation like it...

https://youtu.be/_mDxcDjg9P4?si=3jpFp96wJN6fTFld  Foreseeing the end is something that always happen to me when I go into some new situation. It's comforting to me that I already know how things will turn out, but it ruins the surprise. I knew from the very first moment, the very first heartbeat, the very first "hi", the very first "you're so funny", the very first "you look so good today", the very first "I listened to this song and immediately thought of you", the very first "I saw this and it reminded me of you" that I will fall head over heels for you but I never expected it to be that fast. This isn't the only thing I predicted, I also know that this thing will be the death of me, it will shatter me into million pieces and if I was lucky enough to survive it, I know I will never be the same. I'm on the verge of losing my mind and I hope it's not showing.  I pray every time we talk that you will be the exception ...