That's a wrap

https://youtu.be/UQByi9IHiZo?si=PZV8KcqAvy2eVvSh

I had to force myself to sit down and write this, I've been avoiding giving my 2024 a descent wrap for 2 weeks.

Long story short, 2024 was a trainwreck. 

The very long version would state that this year was a setback for me. I had to revisit an old version of Tasneem, a version I thought I had buried a long time ago. It was catastrophic being put face to face with some old habits, my mind knew what was going on, I was fully aware, but I didn't know what to do. 

I can't say it was all bad, I had beaten death like 3 times this year alone so I should be grateful that I'm here writing this now but honestly, I wish I took a different turn on so many occasions. 

No amount of writing and venting will heal what was broken inside of me, keeping myself busy can't even approach giving me the illusion that nothing happened. My heart was and still is aching and crushing as I write, I can still feel and live every situation like it's brand new. I tried several times through the year to stop the waterfall of failure and open a fountain of fortunate events but all I ended up with was rust in my hands. No one will ever fathom how bad I feel for myself, things shouldn't be that bad, I did my part, I believed in, I hoped, I put in the work; what went wrong? which footstep was wrong? which chance shouldn't have been given out? which word shouldn't have been spoken out? 

I literally have no expectations for 2025. I just wish it will be the year to erase the damage that's already done. If I'm still here one year from now sane and able to write, I will consider it as a huge victory. 

I didn't deserve half the shit that was thrown at me and sure as hell I deserved better, I had put my heart and soul in every single step, this shouldn't be my reward. This feels so wrong and out of place, nothing fits. 

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