All of my should've's

https://youtu.be/lY3g3h0iP3A?si=9u5xj_M-GkrZa7za

Long time no posts...

This might seem a little bit not me but I'm in a very dark place and I'm not sure how I will get out or what will become of me this time. 

heads up, I know that I'm the one to blame here, I shouldn't look outside for blame hangers. 

It's me, I misplaced my trust. I can't blame them for betraying me when it was me who handed them the knife, when I was the one who gave them that power over me. 

It's just that 7 years of effort and hard work to be okay have been wasted. I feel terrible again or even worse than when this shitstorm started. To be honest, I think I can't rise up from my ashes again, it's so exhausting and giving up on me feels easier this time. I can't help myself but think that a sharp-cut line drawn on my wrist can stop this whole mess and that I wouldn't have to feel what I feel now, I'll be sent into oblivion. 

Consequences are not fair because the bad guys are living their best life while I suffer them over and over again. Would it have been better if I was a bad person? but even bad people don't hit others in their weakest points if they were trusted with them.

What you said was unpalatable, I couldn't unabsorb it. I stared at my room ceiling the whole night with tears running in streams down my face because I didn't know where I went wrong. I kept telling myself that it's okay repeatedly with hope that my mind would just believe any time of those numerous times as if I'm brain washing myself. I kept asking God about what went wrong, what is the problem now, why am I feeling this way if I was the victim. The world stopped revolving for me while it was going on perfectly for everyone else. For the first time, I felt ashamed of who I am, it was like I'm carrying a target on my back, and you knew exactly where to shoot me. Actually, I didn't feel that bad when this whole thing happened 7 years ago.

I know I shouldn't have trusted you this much, but I thought it was okay back when I did. I feel so stupid, I should've known better. What you did reminded me why I never let anyone in and why I shouldn't have let YOU in. I'm not upset with you, I'm just disappointed. I'm mad at myself for handing you my code on a silver platter. I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for letting myself be fooled into this position. I should have protected myself better. I don't know why my radars were off, or maybe I do know but I don't want to admit it anymore. I'm pretty sure that there's some silver lining in this pain but it's still too soon to notice it, I just wish I can hold onto life until I can see it.

It's too bad that I almost memorized your whole existence. It's a shame that I thought I almost had it all. It's my fault that I let my guard down when I should've held on tighter to my armor. 


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