Tasneem writes

https://youtu.be/_iJm8EBgq7M?si=h2ygzz2S6wx6Sq7X I'm writing this down to get it out of my system because if I don't, I might just burst out of anger. You know it's a stupid idea to get attached to a fling. You know it's a road with only one way down when you expect too much out of nothing. You know you're screwed when you start checking your phone every 5 seconds waiting for a notification. You know you shouldn't, you swore you won't do that to yourself.  Now here you are, exactly at this point doing what you pledged not to. Where do we go from here? How do I undo this? I'd like to be my old self again! Random thoughts are running free all day bringing my old habit of self-loathing back. I had put so much effort into healing self-loathing but now I'm back to square 1. I hate myself for throwing all that effort away for a fling. See? typical self-loathing! Honestly, what did I expect? Of course, I was going to get attached. This is the usual scenario...

https://youtu.be/UQByi9IHiZo?si=PZV8KcqAvy2eVvSh I had to force myself to sit down and write this, I've been avoiding giving my 2024 a descent wrap for 2 weeks. Long story short, 2024 was a trainwreck.  The very long version would state that this year was a setback for me. I had to revisit an old version of Tasneem, a version I thought I had buried a long time ago. It was catastrophic being put face to face with some old habits, my mind knew what was going on, I was fully aware, but I didn't know what to do.  I can't say it was all bad, I had beaten death like 3 times this year alone so I should be grateful that I'm here writing this now but honestly, I wish I took a different turn on so many occasions.  No amount of writing and venting will heal what was broken inside of me, keeping myself busy can't even approach giving me the illusion that nothing happened. My heart was and still is aching and crushing as I write, I can still feel and live every situation like it...

https://youtu.be/_mDxcDjg9P4?si=3jpFp96wJN6fTFld  Foreseeing the end is something that always happen to me when I go into some new situation. It's comforting to me that I already know how things will turn out, but it ruins the surprise. I knew from the very first moment, the very first heartbeat, the very first "hi", the very first "you're so funny", the very first "you look so good today", the very first "I listened to this song and immediately thought of you", the very first "I saw this and it reminded me of you" that I will fall head over heels for you but I never expected it to be that fast. This isn't the only thing I predicted, I also know that this thing will be the death of me, it will shatter me into million pieces and if I was lucky enough to survive it, I know I will never be the same. I'm on the verge of losing my mind and I hope it's not showing.  I pray every time we talk that you will be the exception ...

https://youtu.be/fFrb3U_8VzI?si=tFHewErziMyrscjZ  Is it really true that it's better to feel pain than being numb?  No, it isn't. I would choose being numb over anything else, I would choose to stay at the plateau phase of the curve over going through its ups and down. I would ignore the fact that these ups and downs are what shape you and are what life is really all about. The only problem is that staying in the plateau creates a routine and having a routine leads to the dilemma of "attached strings". I always say, "no strings attached", I'm a free soul, I don't like being tied to any place or anyone but routine throws all of that down the drain.  Attachment is a curse; it makes you vulnerable and vulnerability makes you weak. It's only a few days and I already can sense the smell of my shell being dissolved and I can hear the sound of my walls coming down, I'm living my worst nightmare, and the most viscous part is that I can't wake up,...

https://youtu.be/e_msRq3c1z8?si=WNMhLdnko3Tbna28 Some people burn bridges easier than others. Some people cut ties just like cutting butter. Some people forget things like they never even existed. Some people walk out at the first glance of disrespect or unappreciation. Some people don't let themselves create memories that might glue them to places they want to flee. Those people are me.  Force of a habit, I bolt. Force of a habit, I never let go. Unexpectedly, all of that has changed. Now, I want to stay, and I want to work things out. Now, I care about someone else's day even if mine was shitty. Now, I truly listen to someone else's story with a never seen before enthusiasm. Now, I want to let go of my strictly obnoxious control. Now, I want to build the bridges up from the ground. Now, I want to hold my horses and give you time to figure your shit out and decide on your own that this is something you want to jump on board with and I don't care if it happens in a week...

  https://youtu.be/yqX7NtzThgg?si=qtO_6GlXmYoCP4q8 Most blessings are taken for granted; you never really appreciate them until you're deprived of them. Being believed in by someone is a whole 'nother story. You don't know how big of a blessing it is until someone comes along and believes in you; it makes you look around and see how much you've been missing on. It's a huge thing, it drives you thousands of miles fueled by the words of someone; it can get you where you want to go faster and easier. The look of being proud on their faces or the sense of being proud of you in their tone is stronger than meth. You won't know that until you experience it, and life won't be the same anymore. If I ever got to have that, I wish I can recognize that it's happening to me and have the guts to be thankful for it and be able to keep it.